Don't Be a Fool, Stay in School

Critics Rating:  18%
Audience Rating: 74%

The story of the ultimate professional student might be one of those that divides itself pretty clearly along gender lines.  I'm pretty confident the about 75% audience rating was from the average of 100% likes from guys... and 50% likes from girls who hated the movie but loved Ryan Reynolds.

Starring an at-the-top of her pre-Sharknado game Tara Reid, opposite an about-to-breakout Reynolds, I remember thinking both of these two were going to explode- at least, I did in between the times Tara Reid had an actual line, revealing her total lack of acting skill.

While I recognize this is probably going to make every older generation make fun of my entire generation, I'm pretty sure American Pie and Van Wilder represent the classic high school/college movie pair for my generation.  Yes, it's embarrassing.  Fast Times at Ridgemont High, every 80s movie, Dazed and Confused.  Animal House and  PCU.  All so much better than Van Wilder it's truly not funny.

But still- Reynolds really did break out in this movie.  This is exactly the kind of movie he was made to carry, unlike most things he's done since.  While there's at least one canine-related scene you'll probably have to fast forward through if you finally have a date to watch the movie with, this one's a keeper.  It also launched Kal Penn (Kumar, as well as an honest-to-goodness White House official), who's  really the best part in the entire movie.

On top of all that, it reminds you how just one botched plastic surgery can send your career into a Sharknado-esque tailspin that can only be rescued by the worst Syfy movie of all time (apparently, via the description, this necessitates a SPOILER WARNING!!!!)

Washed up and/or Recurring Trbl actors:

Tim Matheson: Otter from Animal House, Alan Stanwyck from Fletch, apparently multiple TV shows that I refuse to watch because I want to keep the remaining shreds of my man card.

Chris Owen:  The Sherminator

Erik Estrada:  CHiPs

Darius Miles:  Yes, the NBA star is on Coolidge's basketball team.  Apparently he was also in The Perfect Score.  I'm assuming there's a joke about him being too dumb to pass the SAT, and that's why he went straight to the NBA out of high school.  But I'm a little confused, because he doesn't even play himself in that one.

The rest of the Los Angeles Clippers:  Michael Olowokandi, Quentin Richardson, and Mr. Khloe Kardashian himself, Lamar Odom are all here.


Verdict: AUDIENCE KNOWS BEST.  Watch it.  Watch it right now .  Enjoy Ryan Reynolds in his element.  Laugh/get depressed at Tara Reid's acting and subsequent career.  Laugh at your high school self when you remember how funny thought it all was at the time. Wish you had been smart enough to be a seven-year undergrad.

Here's your Chance, Do Your Dance

At the Space Jam.  That's right, one of my childhood favorites makes the list.

Critics Rating:  35%
Audience Rating: 57%

I was absolutely shocked it was this low at first.  But then I realized that basically everything I remembered was the soundtrack being basically the best CD in the history of elementary school.

But seriously, that soundtrack.  Coolio.  R. Kelly (twice).  Salt-n-Pepa.  SEAL.  Busta Rhymes, Coolio, LL Cool J, and Method Man on one track, the Jock Jam all-star theme song... all capped off by Bugs Bunny rapping.  Can't be beat.

Now, the movie on the other hand.  Yes, Michael Jordan's acting is terrible.  Yes, the blending of live action and the cartoons looks pretty bad nowadays.  And if you want a thorough recap of the actual box score of the entire basketball game, go here.

But I've gotta say, it's up there on the list for jokes hidden for adults that are too mature for children to get.  Having a psychologist ask Patrick Ewing if there were "any other areas where you are having trouble....performing."  Barkley praying for his basketball skills back by saying "I won't go out with Madonna again."  Actually makes it hold up over time more than you'd expect.

When it comes down to it, this is basically one of the best marketing deals ever for MJ.  Many athletes have tried to do it since, and all of them are eligible for for this blog.  Shaq, Dennis Rodman, even Kevin Durant- they're all terrible.  MJ pulls off one of the better efforts, but you can tell it was basically pitched to him as a way to laugh off the fiasco of his gambling-related suspension baseball career.

 Just like in real life, he can't really make fun of himself at any point, which at this point might be the only real reason it would be entertaining, now that he's tried to bring back the Hitler 'stache, ran an NBA franchise into the ground, and has given one of the worst Hall of Fame speeches of all time.

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS

Critics: 36%
Audience: 59%

While I wish I could write about nothing except Fast and Furious movies, we jump right in to the second film in the series because the first was actually too good.

Allow me to get my opinion straight: this is not a good movie.  It is nothing but horrible dialogue, terrible CGI car races where everything blurs into looking like they're jumping to lightspeed in Star Wars, and borderline offensive, over-stereotyped characters throughout.  It's also probably not a great sign that it's 'theme song' is Act a Fool.


However, you get to watch Paul Walker over-act for 100 minutes.  Add Tyrese Ludacris, and a host of other actors that you recognize from 'that that thing,' and Eva Mendes, and it's a fairly entertaining movie.  More importantly, the Fast and Furious series is as American as it gets, and every American should be celebrating every frame of it.

Here's a simple litmus test: watch the following clip, starting at 1:45.  If watching Paul Walker and Tyrese be this bad at acting doesn't entertain you, you're in for a long movie.

One other thing stands out while watching a street-race movie: the cars are really bad.  The first movie at least had Vin Diesel driving some different cars, including an awesome 1970 Dodge Charger.  2 Fast has... a lot of Mitsubishis?  Even the lead actor can't pretend like they're cool:

It's one of the two worst movies in the series, but it's probably a necessary evil in order to appreciate the wonderfulness of Paul, Tyrese, and Luda in Fast's 4-7.  And if you happen to really enjoy horrible dialogue and acting by America's early 2000's poster boy, all the better.

Out Cold: A Truly TRBL Movie

The first question that always comes up about the blog is, what kind of movies is it really going to be about?  Well, Out Cold is at the top of the list.  Just check out it's stats:

Critic's Rating:  8%
User Rating:  82%

This is exactly the kind of spread we're looking for.  Out Cold has everything you can look for in a movie: the star of a classic whose career never panned out, 8 years after the hit (Jason London, the QB from Dazed and Confused; perpetual supporting cast members (David Denman, aka Roy from The Office); 70's TV action star Lee Majors; a former Playmate; comedy's perennial Andy Richter David Koechner; and to top it all off: the one and only Zach Galifianakis.

If you're one of those people that think Zach's style has gotten old since The Hangover in 2009, you might be surprised to learn that it he's been doing it for over a decade, ever since he started "performing his unique brand of humor in the back of a hamburger joint in Times Square."

So what do you get when you put all of these actors, along with the fat kid from Bar Santa, together?  A snowboarding stoner-movie loosely based on Casablanca....?

That's right.  These back country-boarding stoners are movie buffs, apparently, although not very classy ones.  References are scattered throughout the movie, most notably by substituting a fake Cancun spring break bar called Pedro O' Horny's into Bogart's "We'll always have Paris" line.  Oscar-worthy stuff.

Summary
Here's what you're going to get with this movie.  Are there painful-to-watch stretches of terrible dialogue, with jokes that target 14 year-olds that still don't land?  Absolutely.  But the critics got it wrong.  You get exactly what you would expect from this cast, along with some pretty solid heli-boarding shots.  82% audience rating can't be that wrong.